Light After Miscarriage
Updated: May 14, 2020
“Sometimes it's hard to see the rainbow when there's been endless days of rain.” — Christina Greer. You are not alone and your light will come.
Today is my first Mother's Day, I am reflecting on my motherhood experience and all of its ups and downs.
This wasn’t my first pregnancy, the day I found out I was pregnant with Melo, the year prior Ron and I were living in Atlanta, GA and we found out we were expecting our first child. We were so excited. I told my parents and my siblings immediately. The excitement that filled our hearts was immeasurable. I felt like I was floating on cloud 9, if you told me the world was about to end, I wouldn't have cared.
The pregnancy wasn't planned, it just happened. To be honest with you, I was in shock. I didn't think I was able to have a child. While we were dating, Ron and I would often have talks about what would happen if I couldn’t produce a child, adoption was always planned. I knew one of Ron's ultimate goals in life was to have a family and become a father. Then one day in January 2018, I can't remember when exactly, maybe last week of the month (will explain this reason later), I was feeling off, I had an upcoming OB appointment the following week so I thought I'd wait and ask the doctor during the appointment. The week came quick, my OB confirmed that I was in fact pregnant. I was ecstatic, I thought of so many cute ways to tell Ron, but I was so excited, I blurted it out when I got home.
At 12 weeks I suffered a miscarriage. It was the most traumatizing experience I ever went through. So many women have gone through or are going through miscarriages, yet society tells us we shouldn't speak on it, that we have to suffer in silence.
Society tells us we shouldn't speak on it, that we have to suffer in silence.
After having the miscarriage, I wanted to forget everything. I wanted to forget the fact that I was pregnant, I threw away a notebook I purchased to document my pregnancy, deleted all messages relating to babies, deleted my Pinterest boards, unfollowed everything related to babies, I was so hurt. My body was numb. I fell into a deep depression. I was disappointed in myself. I couldn't look Ron in the face because when I did, all I saw was sadness and I didn't want to cause him more sorrow. Ron was amazing during this time, I knew he was suffering just as much as I was but he was my anchor. He kept me sane and for that, I love him so much more. We made the decision right then and there that we needed to be back in Florida to be closer to family.
So, fast forward to a year later, January 2019, Ron and I are now living in Florida. During my annual appointment with the OB, they took a pregnancy test as usual, and turned out I was pregnant. I was scared, the fears of the miscarriage came pouring back. I cried so much at the office. Juxtaposing the emotions between the two experiences of finding out about my pregnancy was a complete 180. My heart sunk in. I waited until I had a 2nd test with my OB before telling Ron. Although we were excited for the pregnancy, we took everything with precaution. We waited until about 4 months to tell the family. I felt like the miscarriage robbed us of our excitement for Melo's pregnancy. I tried my hardest to be stress-free and excited but the fear of loss held me back. Ron tried his best to keep me at a positive state of mind.
Here we are, today, Melo is a healthy beautiful baby girl celebrating 7 months of living in this world. I love her so much. As I sit back and think of the sadness I went through, I look at her and her smile dries up the tears and fills my heart with joy.
Mommas out there that have gone through a miscarriage, whether it be a week or a late term miscarriage, know that you are not alone and your light will come. I know it's hard but try to stay positive, surround yourself with people that love you, and take it a day at a time.
Message to Melo:
Thank you for showing me how much strength I truly have. Thank you for giving me confidence in myself that I never knew. Thank you for making me your mother. First Mother's Day and I am truly in awe by this amazing gift that God blessed us with. Bringing you into this world was such an intensely amazing experience that I would never take back. I love you to pieces Melo!!